I happen to have had a number of individual clients recently who have worked with me to help them with the end of a marriage or intimate relationship. My role is typically to provide a space to process and accept their loss, whatever the circumstances, and to try to rebuild their life as a newly single person.
Some of them have then found themselves ready for a new relationship, and as is all but unavoidable these days, started internet dating using apps such as Hinge and Bumble.
The way people use the apps and how they respond to fellow users often then becomes the focus of their therapy. I thought it would be worth summarising some thoughts I have accumulated on what may and may not be helpful in the search for a new partner.
- Try to find your ‘agency’ – depending on your relationship history, you may find yourself finding it hard to value yourself as someone worthy of being ‘liked’ on the app. Perhaps you imagine that the potential partners are the ones who hold all the cards, and that you’re lucky to be chosen. This stance could then lead to you accepting what’s on offer rather than what’s genuinely right for you.
- Being Drawn to your ‘Type’ – if you’ve tended to have a particular ‘type’ in past relationships, it’s natural that this might happen again, and you might be drawn to someone similar to your ex. This may well be just who you are, how you developed in relation to others in childhood and in your early relationships. Perhaps though, in order to avoid being drawn into similar relationship difficulties that you have experienced before, you may be able to notice that this might be happening, and try to respond differently this time. For example, you may have a history of a being quite accepting to being messed around by a partner. Try to see if you can be different this time, and to gently and firmly point out that this is what you’re feeling. And then see how the other person responds.
- Honesty and Openness: it’s surprised me how many people take a few years off their age. People tell me that everyone does this, so they feel forced into it. I can appreciate this, though I would also encourage some simple honesty as soon as you have had a first date.
- Text, voice or in-person: most apps encourage sometimes quite detailed text based message exchanges before you meet. Text has its advantages of course – there is time to read and digest an incoming message, and time to consider and compose a reply. However what’s missing is the ability to ‘read the room’ – to see how what you would like to say is landing, and to adapt to the way the other person might be hearing what you have to say. For this reason, I think there’s a lot to be said for holding back more complex things until you meet.
- Avoid Comparing – it’s tempting to compare everyone you interact with to your ex. While some of this is natural, it’s hard for you to be truly objective if you do this. It’s also worth thinking about why you might be doing this – if you are still longing, perhaps it’s going to cloud your ability to see clearly what someone new has to offer.
- Be Curious – I have worked with clients who spend a lot of time trying to second-guess what the other person is like, what they are thinking about them, and what they are looking for in a relationship. None of this is helpful – you’re not playing Chess or being a contestant on The Traitors. Try to be open-minded, ask questions, observe and be curious. Try to keep a little bit of space to distance yourself emotionally so you can see more clearly. Continue this stance if and when you have more dates – keep wondering about whether this is right. Don’t feel that you need to reach an early ‘decision’ about whether this is The One. Be open to the idea that this might be, until you decide otherwise. Love is found in the looking, it’s not a prize to be won and then coveted. Inevitably you will tend to see what you want to see, or conversely if you have experienced some difficult relationships, you might see ‘red flags’ where some curiosity might have reassured you.
- Think about safety – I think any article about dating should mention this. You may want to stay on the app for a while rather than exchange numbers. If the other person doesn’t like this, that tells you something about them. Take precautions such as telling a friend you are meeting someone and where, and check in with them. If you need to, ‘ask for Angela’
- Be open to change – while no one should accept pressure for them to change themselves for a partner, a relationship is about mutual growth, and an opportunity for both partners to grow and adapt to meet each other somewhere towards the middle ground. This should be reciprocal rather than one way. Be open to the idea that you might change.
While some of these thoughts might resonate with you, you may wish to talk with a therapist or counsellor about your experience and how you can find happiness through a new relationship, while avoiding the traps and disappointments you may have faced in the past. If you’d like an initial consultation with no obligation to continue, do get in touch.