As a couples’ therapist working both online and from in-person in Esher Surrey,
…couples often ask me in the first session how long couples therapy will take. It’s not a question I can answer directly. I do sometimes say to clients to think about it in terms of months rather than weeks, and this is often helpful in setting expectations, even though it might not be the answer the couple is hoping for. If there were a quick way of addressing relationship difficulties, of course I would be delighted to offer it, but as with many things in life, there are no quick fixes.
What might be helpful though is to think about couples therapy (or indeed individual psychotherapy) as having some distinct phases.
While the move between the stages of therapy isn’t something I structure into the work, and clients can also move back and forth between the phases, the therapy naturally moves from one stage to the next. I like to think of the three phases as firstly diagnosis and formulation, secondly an exploration of change, and finally resolution of the work including ending.
The diagnosis stage of couples therapy starts with an airing of the issues by both partners.
It’s common for one partner to be ‘ahead’ of the other – the partner who initiated the therapy has often been thinking about the issues for some time before broaching it with their partner, while the other partner may not have given it too much thought. In early couples sessions, I try to encourage both to feel it’s a safe space to talk about what they would like to be different.
I then try to encourage the couple to move away a position of fault and blame to one where they can understand what they do to, and with each other, and why that is. This is when I and other couples’ therapists can help clients see their problems differently, to understand the hidden feelings around the surface behaviours. For example, arguments about how to load the dishwasher might be a metaphor for underlying issues – anything from whether the couple is committed to the relationship and the need to share space, to whether they care for and respect each other. Understanding what’s going on underneath can help a couple to see the issues as shared problems that they can then try to join together to solve.
Some clients are tempted to stop therapy once they have a diagnosis. However just as in physical health situations, thinking they can go away and solve the issues themselves. I encourage clients to stay, since the next phase of exploring change can sometimes be a challenge, especially when the difficulties have been present for a while.
The change phase of couples therapy involves thinking about and putting into action ways of being different with each other and to each other.
More often than not, it means being generous and giving rather than continuing to feel let down or neglected. The capacity to change varies greatly from one couple to the next. In the sessions, we try things out, see what works in everyday life, see what doesn’t and think about what else might help. There’s no standard list for this, it has to come from the individuals with guidance from the therapist.
Finally, there’s third phase of couples therapy – resolution and ending.
Hopefully this is a new commitment to each other, and an acceptance that past problems have been recognised, understood and accepted. If change hasn’t been possible though, there are different things to consider – is the couple prepared to accept that they’ve done the work, that they can’t quite change, but they are prepared to accept what’s on offer as good enough? Or do they want to go their separate ways, and to work on what that will mean for them.