In this piece, I would like to talk about the practical aspects of getting started with couples therapy, from the initial thoughts you may have to the first few sessions.
It may come as no surprise the reader of this piece that this time of year is typically the busiest time for couples therapists in Surrey and indeed throughout the country. Perhaps it’s a sort of new year’s resolution for you. Or, perhaps you had high hopes that the festive season would be better between, and it hasn’t quite worked out like that. Maybe you’re struggling with changes in your lives such as children arriving or leaving home, or facing illness or loss.
How to talk with your Partner about Couples Therapy
Some couples are able to talk about and share the decision to apply for couples therapy, and from the start think of it as a joint decision. I suspect those couples are in a minority – for most couples, those kind of conversations have become difficult, and that may well be part of their problem. More common is that one partner comes up with the idea and sets out to persuade the other to come too.
It may be that one partner has done a lot of thinking about what could be better, and the other isn’t ready to recognise that there are problems that aren’t going away. How one partner talks to the other about the idea of couples therapy is worth considering. Ultimatums such as “if you don’t come to therapy, I will leave you” are probably best avoided unless all else has failed. It’s always better to be gentle, and if you’re the partner driving the process, talk about how much it would mean to you if they agreed to come.
It may help to point out that you are only asking your partner to agree to one session initially – the initial consultation. This is a chance for you both to talk about how each of you see the issues, and it’s helpful if you have difference perspectives.
Couples vary a lot in terms of how much they talk about the issues before the consultation. You certainly don’t need to prepare in advance, and you don’t need to be aligned with each other. If there are differences of opinion, I would prefer to see them in real life.
When, Where, How Often
Although the initial consultation is the first step, it’s definitely worth thinking ahead to what will follow should you agree to continue. Couples therapy is typically a weekly commitment for 50 minutes a week. I work weekly, because it’s tried and tested as the best way to create the change that’s needed. More often, and it becomes too much for many people to manage, less often and the work is ‘diluted’ so that change can be frustratingly slow.
An obvious practical point – think about location(s), days and times that will suit you both, somewhere you can both get to relatively easily, week in, week out. I offer sessions to fit around couples’ busy lives, into the late evenings, and during the day too. I prefer to work in-person in my consulting rooms in Esher and East Molesey, because in-person tends to be better and potentially gets quicker results too.
While I agree a weekly ‘default’ slot with my clients, I offer some flexibility week-to-week if one or both partners are away, including moving some sessions online if necessary.
Once you have decided on location, this will obviously determine your online search for suitable therapists. If you’re reading this, presumably you have already found me, but you may be considering others too. It’s important that the ‘fit’ feels right. If you want to test that out, some clients like an introductory session online, which I can offer free of charge for 15 minutes. However this isn’t a therapy session, and it’s often better to start with a full session, and then decide whether to continue.
Getting in Touch
In your approach to me, you can use my contact form (probably best), email, call me or use iMessage or Whatsapp. Since it’s one of you making the initial contact, I like to keep these communications quite brief, to keep things even-handed between you and your partner. It’s better that we save the details of what you’d like to work on until we’re all in the room together.
If I happen not to be able of offer you sessions at suitable times and days, I will always try to put you in touch with a colleague who can help.
After the Initial Consultation
During the initial session, I will make some observations about how I see the issues, and how we might proceed. It’s also an opportunity for you to see how it feels. Couples therapy isn’t easy; some difficult feelings can surface especially in the first few sessions, but I will try to put you both at ease as much as I can. It’s your therapy, and I’ll therefore encourage you to feel you can take a lead and steer it to what you need.
If you do decide to continue, we will check in regularly on how you feel it’s going. I don’t normally work to a fixed number of sessions, because none of us know early on how soon you’ll feel able to change.
Finally, if you’ve read this far, you’ve already taken an important first step to a happier future. Change is possible, and there is hope, no matter how hard things have become.