When new couples begin couples therapy with me, two questions tend to come up almost immediately. One is whether there will be “homework” between sessions. The other is how they’re supposed to handle communication during the days when they’re not in the room together with a therapist. I think these concerns are closely connected, and they reveal something important about the early stage of the process.
Starting couples therapy is no small step. It often involves saying things out loud that have been held in for a long time—sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes painful. After that initial openness, it’s completely natural for partners to feel uneasy about how they’ll interact before the next session. There can be a sense of, “We’ve opened the box, what do we do now?”
Despite this, I don’t usually assign structured homework. Couples therapy, in my view, isn’t best approached as a checklist of tasks to complete. It’s more of an unfolding process—one that invites curiosity and reflection rather than rigid steps. The focus isn’t just on changing surface-level behaviours, but on understanding what lies beneath them: unresolved hurt, disappointment, fear, or resentment. These deeper layers are often what drive the patterns couples find themselves stuck in.
When those underlying emotions are explored and better understood, communication tends to shift more naturally. By contrast, focusing only on behaviour can sometimes bring short-term relief, but the same issues often resurface in different forms because the root hasn’t been addressed.
That said, there are a few approaches that can make the time between sessions more manageable—and even more productive.
One useful starting point is individual reflection. Taking time to think privately about the relationship, your partner, and your own responses can be valuable. Not everything needs to be discussed immediately outside of sessions, especially if doing so might lead to further conflict. Instead, these reflections can be brought into the therapy space, where there’s more support to explore them constructively.
Another important skill is listening—genuinely listening. This goes beyond hearing words; it means staying open rather than assuming you already know what your partner will say. Phrases like “you always do this” or “I know where this is going” can shut down understanding before it begins. Practising curiosity, even when it feels uncomfortable, can open up new ways of relating. It also involves tolerating uncertainty and recognising that feelings aren’t always clear-cut.
It’s also worth remembering that therapy sessions themselves are a place to work through real issues as they arise. Disagreements don’t need to be avoided in the room—they can actually be useful. Working through tension with support can offer new perspectives and help shift entrenched patterns.
Finally, small acts of generosity can go a long way. Instead of waiting for your partner to change or meet your needs first, consider what you might offer—whether that’s patience, kindness, or a simple gesture of goodwill. This isn’t always easy, especially when resentment is present. And resentment doesn’t disappear overnight; it often takes time and careful exploration in therapy. But even so, moments of warmth can begin to create a different atmosphere, one that supports progress and signals a shared investment in the relationship.
In the end, couples therapy isn’t about getting everything “right” between sessions. It’s about staying engaged in the process, both individually and together, and allowing change to develop over time.