Valentine’s Day naturally brings thoughts of love to the forefront. As a couples therapist, I often work with partners who are looking to rekindle their connection after years together.
One helpful approach in the early stages of couples therapy is for couples to reflect on what initially drew them to each other. Couples I work with often recall shared interests, hobbies, or values, but just as often, it’s their differences that played a key role in their attraction. Ironically, the very traits that once brought them together can later become sources of frustration and conflict.
There are various psychological theories about love, one of which suggests that we are often drawn to people who possess qualities we feel we lack. Take, for example, a fictional couple—David and Kate. David struggles with confidence and decision-making, which makes Kate’s decisive nature especially appealing to him. On the other hand, Kate finds it difficult to deeply understand others’ emotions, something that comes naturally to David.
In this dynamic, it’s not just about forming a well-balanced team. On a deeper level, each partner subconsciously hopes to learn from the other and, in doing so, recover parts of themselves that have been lost or suppressed—often due to childhood experiences or family narratives that shaped their self-perceptions. This can be thought of as the ‘couple fit’ – the unconscious reason for being attracted to each other. In contrast to the conscious reasons for attraction, such as looks, prospects, a compatible family background etc.
However, as life becomes busier, couples may stop learning from each other and instead fall into rigid roles. Kate, being the more decisive one, takes charge of all decisions, which leaves David feeling powerless. Meanwhile, David’s emotional sensitivity makes him more in tune with their children, unintentionally making Kate feel left out. Over time, these imbalances can create tension and resentment.
This is where couples therapy can help. By identifying and understanding these patterns, partners can recognize that their struggles are shared rather than placing blame on one another.
Therapy provides the space to explore these issues at a deeper level, fostering long-term change rather than just addressing surface-level communication struggles. I find couples therapy works best if it’s conducted in-person, so that’s why I run clinics in Esher and East Molesey, which are easily accessible from much of Surrey and also areas such as Twickenham and Hampton.
On a final note, the origins of St. Valentine’s association with love are debated. Some say he secretly officiated marriages when they were forbidden, while others claim his feast day actually commemorates executions. Interestingly, aside from love and marriage, St. Valentine is also the patron saint of young people, greetings, travellers, beekeepers, and those with epilepsy—a reminder that love, much like life and relationships, is layered and complex.