I’ve been recently struck by how many of my couple clients are finding feelings of needing each other, or one needing the other more, a very tricky part of their lives.
I am not sure why themes of dependency have come to my mind or indeed my clients’ minds recently. Perhaps there’s a polarisation happening in the world at the moment, which is somehow permeating relationships too. Many of the changes in the USA seem to be suggesting that dependency is a fundamentally bad thing, hence removal of foreign aid, distancing from allies etc. Even in the UK, as I write, disability benefits are being cut, again suggesting that dependency is to be avoided, even that it’s shameful.
And yet dependency in relationships is a cornerstone of humanity. It starts in the womb, continues throughout childhood and then at some point moves from a parent and child to a couple relationship. It’s entirely not one way either, even when babies are small – mothers often wonder who needs who more, the baby or the mother.
Whatever your views on Brexit, the Leave campaign with its slogan ‘Take Back Control’ tapped into a universal fear of dependency, and suggested we can be completely self contained.
Healthy dependency in couple relationships is not straightforward for many couples, and difficult feelings around needing someone in one’s life can be really hard to manage.
There are many couples for whom these difficult feelings might well be unconscious, but they can be the root cause of everyday arguments such as who’s tidied up or unloaded the dishwasher, who earns more and therefore the lower income earner feeling financially dependent, who is the ‘needy’ one in the relationship. As if being in need, even for a child, is a bad thing. The reality is, we all need people to help us both practically and emotionally.
It’s common in couple relationships that one partner is more obviously in need of support and reassurance than the other. This can be seen as part of the ‘couple fit’ early on, whether or not partners are consciously aware of the configuration. This fit might be in part because the one in the ‘carer’ role is uncomfortable about their own dependency needs, and therefore chooses someone to be with who will take up much of the need. This allows the carer to continue to avoid their difficult feelings that perhaps one day they might need support themselves.
Meanwhile the partner who expresses most of the need might find it hard to ‘self soothe’ – to manage their own anxieties and challenges and will tend to look to others first rather than finding answers from within.
While this might be a couple fit that brings two people together and works for a time, as time goes on, resentment can build.
The ‘carer’ can feel put upon and starts to realise that there isn’t much space for their needs. When children arrive in the family, this too can disrupt the care giver / care receiver roles, as suddenly there are others in the family who have a more acute need, simply to survive and thrive.
As I said earlier, these patterns might not be obvious to couples, but they might be the underlying reason for the challenges. Couples typically do not come along to me saying that they have difficulties with dependency; its much more likely that they cite arguments for example. Over the course of couples therapy, if these themes emerge, it can be transformative, effectively treating the cause of the difficulties, not simply the symptoms. And couples can reach more of an equilibrium between caregiver and receiver, both being able to offer support to the other in different contexts and at different times of life.