Over my many years of working both with couples and with individuals on relationship difficulties, a common theme in couple relationships is over-accommodation by one partner of the other, in essence being Too ‘Nice’. I am putting ‘nice’ in quotes, because that may well be the intention, but often there are unintended consequences.
Both partners can of of course be over accommodating of the other’s needs, but it’s something that comes to mind right now when it’s men in heterosexual relationships being rather too ‘nice’. Perhaps this occurred to me as a counter to the discourse around toxic masculinity prompted by the Netflix show Adolescence.
Being over-accommodating of a partner’s needs and wishes may create short term harmony, but in the longer term tends to be unhelpful. There are a number of different reasons why this may happen, and every situation is unique. So, I have illustrated the issues with the help of two mini case studies, all of which have been disguised to preserve anonymity.
One ex client who I will call Tim, used to regularly accept being put down and belittled by his wife. He responded to this by putting up with it, and tried to be ever more generous in the hope that he would somehow win her love and that she would be kinder to him. Of course this didn’t work, and he didn’t stop to ask himself the question ‘why would she be doing this to me?’ and try to open a conversation about it. Over time, his frustration became unbearable, and he became full of anger and even rage, eventually breaking a valuable vase she treasured. This crossed a line for her, and while they then tried couples therapy (not with me I hasten to add) it was sadly too late to save the relationship.
Another example – ‘Mark’ was drawn to women he felt were rather vulnerable in different ways. He seemed to be drawn to taking on a ‘saviour’ role, that somehow he through generosity and kindness would be able to solve his respective partners’ problems. One of these partners, ‘Kim’, seemed to have a lifelong struggle with anxiety and feeling alone and rejected, which seemed to go back to some very difficult childhood experiences. A typical anxiety was around social settings – she would think that no-one likes her, that she’s an outsider.
It seemed from my sessions with Mark (though all I knew was from his perspective, not hers) that Kim might have benefitted from professional support. However she apparently rejected his efforts to suggest this to her, and instead Mark would be the only one she could accept as a saviour. Mark is very protective of his ‘nice’ character, and yet his efforts to accommodate were never enough. He would try to reassure her in respect of her anxieties, for example in social situations say ‘it’s not the case that people don’t like you’ but in doing so it came across to Kim that he was trying to say her feelings were just wrong. She felt invalidated, misunderstood and even that he was manipulative and controlling. And he increasingly felt that he could get nothing right, and is anger and frustration built, again to a point of high agitation and even rage.
These two men shared many traits – it was very important to them to be seen as a ‘nice guy’, but in being too accommodating for too long their anger built to breaking point. They weren’t able to say assertively but in a kindly respectful way what they needed from their partner. They both then reached a sort of breaking point.
The roots of these difficulties can often be quite complex, with leant attitudes from childhood about men and women being potentially part of it, along with relationships with assertiveness and power. Being drawn to apparently more vulnerable partners might be a sign of not being at ease with their own vulnerabilities.
If you are reading this with either couples or individual therapy in mind, I can certainly try to help you, or both of you, try to overcome these challenges. Do get in touch for an initial consultation.