As a couples therapist based in Esher, I often work with couples asking for help on how to communicate better and stop cycles of petty or repetitive arguments, often about a whole range of seemingly trivial issues.
In the first few session it can often become clearer to me that the day-to-day arguments are merely symptoms of some underlying questions about the foundation of the relationship which one or both partners may not even be thinking about actively.
All relationships need a foundation, a reason for being together, often a shared vision or a ‘couple fit’.
Sometimes this is talked about actively in the first months or years, sometimes it’s unconscious and only comes to light later, perhaps in couples therapy. Couples therapy often becomes necessary when the foundation of the relationship has been compromised, lost sight of or hasn’t adapted to changing circumstances.
Here are some common types of foundation I see in couples’ relationships. Some of these might fit with your experience. Over the coming months I’ll be writing in more detail about each of these:
Second chance: when one or both partners saw their parents’ relationship as lacking, whether it was about conflict, a lack of love and connection, hardship or another reason. Or when one or both partners had failed relationships themselves, wanting this one to be different. The couple may wish to right the wrongs of the past, by trying to make this relationship different.
Shared vision: this can be about ambition of both partners (as a sort of ‘power couple’, or more focused on one partner’s ambition with the other accepting a more supportive, enabling role (a more traditional, often gender conforming model)
Escape: one or both partners come together as a refuge from difficult experiences, such as a recent difficult relationship or one that they are struggling to leave. Sometimes these relationships start as an affair.
Carer/cared-for: when one partner feels drawn to a role in which they do much of the ‘looking after’ of the other rather than it being reciprocal. Often those who found themselves in carer roles (for example of parents or siblings) early on in life can feel almost compelled to continue this even though they might not consciously wish to. The cared-for partner may also be conflicted, as having needed a lot of care in the past but with ambivalence about receiving it.
Mutual understanding: couples who come together because of similar past experiences earlier in life, which has meant they’ve found it hard to feel understood by others. In this relationship, they feel they’ve finally found someone who gets them.
Common interests: a couple who are together primarily because of shared passions, activities or hobbies.
All of these are very valid foundations of a relationship. All however can face specific challenges over time. The ‘second chance’ couples can find themselves repeating past patterns despite their best intentions. ‘Shared vision’ couples can find life events undermine the foundation which then needs to adapt. Those founded on ‘escape’ can find that the escape was a fix for some underlying difficulties in getting in touch with feelings. Carer/cared-for couples can find things exhausting or stifling. ‘Mutual understanding’ couples can find that past experiences are difficult to leave in the past. And ‘common interest’ couples may find adaptation difficult as time goes on, if the original common interests are no longer shared.
If you can recognise you and your partner in the five foundation types above, it may start to help you understand your current challenges, how to think about them and what needs to change.
If you are considering couples therapy, I can potentially help you get back to your foundations or to find a new one. The cracks in the walls above the foundations can then be more easily repaired.