As a psychotherapist based in Esher Surrey working with couples, the end of summer marks a busy period for new applicants, second only to the New Year.
The reason for this seems to be that while for some couples the summer holiday is a time for partners to reconnect with each other, make plans and prioritise the relationship, for others it doesn’t quite work out like that. Conversely, sometimes the challenges are brought into stark relief.
Each time this year, I therefore write an article on how to get started with couples therapy.
In most cases, it’s one partner who is first to recognise that all is not how it should be.
Often this isn’t a recent recognition; it can be a lingering thought that goes back weeks, months, or even longer. The topic has been avoided altogether in the hope it will magically go away; or it has been broached but the conversation hasn’t gone well and has then been put aside. This can only go on for so long though. So the first step if you are the partner who is looking to address things is to talk about it with your partner in a way that can be heard.
It’s easy, even natural, to present the challenges as criticism: “I can’t get through to you”; “I never see you”; “You have a problem with anger”… etc. This approach is very likely to produce a defensive response, and a refusal to engage, or a counter accusation. Clearly this isn’t the best way to start.
I suggest you try to reframe the difficulty as a shared problem – “we’re in a negative cycle”; “we seem to have lost a connection”; “We’re both struggling with day to day life”. These are often better places to start – the key word is of course ‘we’.
Trying to have this conversation and suggesting trying couples therapy is often the best place to start. I do get enquiries from partners who are keen to progress straight to making an appointment without ever talking to their partner, then announcing that’s it’s been booked. No one likes to be ambushed like this, and these cases rarely proceed with both partners attending.
You also need to think about the practical side of attending. After an initial consultation (with no obligation to continue of course) I do ask for a weekly commitment, simply because it’s the frequency which gets results without feeling too overwhelming. With busy lives and work commitments it’s sometimes difficult to attend at the same time and day each week, so I offer a degree of flexibility including online sessions when one or both partners are away.
The consultation is the first step – an opportunity for you both to talk about how you see the issues, for me to make a couple of initial observations that you may not have thought of, and as a ‘taster’ of what it might be like to work with me.
In the consultation, I ’m often asked ‘how long will it take? There’s no simple answer to this as it depends on how soon you are both able to change, and I can’t predict that. It also depends on how longstanding the challenges are – there’s no quick fixes I’m afraid, and entrenched behaviours take a while to shift. Couples often find it helpful when I suggest they think about it in terms of months rather than weeks.
Finally, if your partner won’t agree to come, or you’d prefer to work alone, this can still be helpful to a relationship. Having said this, if couples therapy is what you want, you really need to start together. If one partner wants to start alone then invite their partner later it’s difficult for the joining partner to feel that it’s going to be even handed.
At the time of writing, I have limited availability though this can change week to week, so do get in touch via this page.