As a couples therapist, I am often asked, especially in the first couple of sessions, two questions by new clients. Firstly, whether I set homework as part of the therapy. Secondly, how clients should manage their communication difficulties in between sessions. While the answer to the first question is generally no, for reasons I’ll explain shortly, I think these two questions come from a similar place.
Getting started in couples therapy is a big, brave step, and having started to share some thoughts and feelings including some often uncomfortable truths, it can leave people feeling anxious about how they are going to be with each other in the week before the next session.
As I said, I don’t generally set formal homework for couples, as I see therapy whether it’s with couples or individuals as more of a journey or an exploration than a structured process. My aim is to work with couples not just on unhelpful behaviours between them, but the stuff underneath – the lingering disappointments, resentments and fears that manifest themselves in poor communication.
It’s the stuff underneath that really matters, and once those are aired and understood, the behaviours often sort themselves out. If we focus only on the behaviours, there may be a short term improvement in the atmosphere at home, but soon enough the underlying issues pop up again in a different way.
Having said this, there are some things partners can do to make life a little better in between sessions, and also to get more out of the sessions themselves.
Firstly, I think it can be helpful if partners simply think privately about their relationship, themselves and their partner, and potentially bring some of those thoughts to a future session. They don’t have to be discussed together outside of the sessions if there’s a risk they will lead to more conflict or ill feeling. Of course this can happen, with some couples inadvertently getting locked into polarised positions, perhaps as they have often tended to in the past.
Secondly, genuine, active listening can help. It’s a skill that can be learned, though not always easily. It involves having open minds rather than making assumptions about what your partner is thinking or saying, avoiding phrases like “you always say that”, “I know what you’re going to say”, etc. it involves being curious, and to try to be more at ease with mixed feelings, ambiguity and uncertainty.
Thirdly, it’s often helpful in couples sessions to work in the room, on actual difficulties, so I can help you see your problems in a different light. It’s ok to argue in a session, sessions can be about working on issues not just thinking about them and analysing them.
Finally, generosity and be really helpful. Rather than waiting for your partner to come to your position, meet your needs, or take the lead, why not think about what you can offer to them. Good things may well come back to you. Again, this isn’t easy, and it’s resentment that often stands in the way. There isn’t a resentment ‘off-switch’. It usually takes time, in sessions, to be able to leave resentments behind. However in the meantime, small acts of warmth and kindness can really help create a sense of progress and commitment to the process.