As a couples therapist based in Esher, of the couples I work with state their wish to stay together and use couples therapy to build or rebuild their relationship after a difficult period or a divisive event.
Others come to couples counselling with an open mind about the eventual outcome – they want to explore the possibility that they can recover a lost relationship, with the potential to decide that isn’t going to be possible and they will go their separate ways.
A third group have already decided, or at least one partner has decided, that they want to break up. In this piece, I am focusing on the third group, those who come to me for divorce and separation counselling.
With people in such a situation, I tend to offer relatively short term work – perhaps an initial four sessions with an option to extend by another four sessions. The idea behind this is that it’s not going be helpful for either partner if the joint counselling sessions go on too long. The function of the sessions is to come to terms with the reality of the ending, and long term sessions can perpetuate an illusion that the couple is still together, with the ending being avoided.
Having said this, in many cases of separation, one partner is emotionally much further ahead than the other. It’s almost always the case that one party decides to ‘call’ the separation. They have typically spent a lot of emotional energy considering their options before concluding they want to go it alone, and in doing so have already processed the loss and come to terms with what that will mean. Meanwhile, the other party has often been more hopeful that things will somehow get better, that talk of a split isn’t quite ‘real’, and can feel blindsided when their partner makes the decision. They can feel wounded, even an innocent victim of an aggressor. It’s really hard to take, and the legal process if that’s been initiated, can make this all the harder, even in the age of ‘no fault’ divorces.
Of course there are separations which are more mutually decided upon right from the start. These are often relationships which have suffered long term drift, but where both parties have had some success in finding what they need in life outside of the relationship. In these situations, partners probably don’t seek out joint counselling.
Joint divorce and separation counselling can help people reach more of an alignment in their feelings about a split, especially when one party has had it on their mind for some time. Both parties can start to think about their lives after the end. They can start to process the loss, which is of course a kind of mourning.
Another important aspect of my work with separating couples is however rewinding a bit, to better times. What was it that brought the couple together? Not in terms of how they met, but what was a couple fit, the reason for being together, the mutual benefit? What changed, why and when? Did the couple grow together, mutually, or did one grow while the other struggled to?
These are questions which will help a great deal in valuing what was good, allowing the good in the relationship to continue to be acknowledged, while accepting that some good things do end, as life evolves.
Occasionally, the sort of questions I have floated here do start a conversation about perhaps separation not being the only option. The course of the joint counselling can then change, to a more open stance about the end point.
Finally, in this piece I have not covered a key part of divorce and separation counselling, which of course is parenting together. A companion piece to this one about parenting together can be found here.