My last blog piece (see this link) talked about how couples can navigate the path to separation, and how joint therapy, which is one of the services I offer as a relationship therapist based in Esher can help. This time I focus on the issues around co-parenting, something that many divorcing parents find challenging.
Divorcing partners have often experienced a long period of poor communication, whatever the underlying issues are. They may have grown distant and drifted apart, or conversely there may have been periods of conflict, criticism and blame. As they move from being a married or co-habiting couple to sharing parenting roles, the need to communicate well, arguably better than eve, is all the more important. And on a practical level can be more challenging too, as information and requests can no longer be exchanged in the kitchen in the morning.
Many relationship endings are not fully ‘resolved’, and lingering questions remain around themes such as who was at fault, who had more power, who was selfish versus selfless. It’s common too, for a victim/ aggressor dynamic to emerge in divorcing couples.
In my work with dozens of divorcing couples, and individuals seeking counselling to process the end of a relationship on their own, I think the single most important thing to aim for in co-parenting is to try to separate out the issues that relate to the past marriage from the co-parenting, to try to put the child or chidren’s interests genuinely first and foremost.
This isn’t easy, however, as echoes from the marriage can often play out in the co-parenting. If there issues related to say power and control in the marriage, unfortunately those can continue in the co-parenting relationship. Issues around money and income can also persist, and of course divorce is never great for either household’s finances. If parents have competed in who is the better parent, there’s a risk too that this will continue.
In many cases post-separation, one parent has more time with the child in their home than the other. This can often leave the partner with fewer nights resentful, and power struggles can ensue. The best interests of the children are however to try to put this aside, and to accept that there is in reality a ‘primary’ parent, who will tend to take the lead.
It can often help, over a few sessions of divorce and separation counselling, to try to pre-empt these potential difficulties by trying to process the ending and to reach some acceptance of the end, even though it’s not what either partner had in mind at the start. Often however one ex-partner doesn’t want to attend. However working alone on the issues can still be helpful.
There are conscious, even practical differences to come to terms with, such as finances, living arrangements, responsibility and involvement in the child’s education and activities. As well as this, there’s value in working with ideas that might be less conscious – to rewind to the original ‘couple fit’ – what brought the couple together in the first place, what was the shared dream whether spoken about or not, whether real or fantasy. From this, we can start to accept what changed and why, and therefore why the relationship did not endure.
Blame in either or both directions can be seen as a way of avoiding the pain and turmoil of the losses – loss of this relationship, of the family unit, of the sense of having a successful life. By unpicking the feelings underneath the anger and blame, we can start to become less defensive and start to have the practical conversations that need to be had.
If you are interested in divorce and separation counselling either jointly or individually, do get in touch with me. For resources on the process and legal side of things, you can find information at https://resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/splitting-up/